Why are you being so hard on yourself?

September 5, 2012
The path of motherhood is filled with landmines and pitfalls. Sometimes you need an expert to help you find your way. So when experts diagnosed my eldest son John with PDD-NOS, I decided another expert was in order to offer both John ánd me some guidance. So there we were, me sitting cringing in my chair, listening to my son's monosyllabic answers to the expert's questions.

'How are you doing John?'
'Alright.'
'How do you mean 'alright?'
'Just: alright.'
'Well John, obviousely I am not a clairvoyant, so you have to help me out here. How do you feel about that?'
'Alright.'
'Why do you say: 'alright?'
'Because.'

I felt like kicking my son, and hissing: 'Come on! Try harder!'
But then suddenly the expert turned to me, and asked: 'Why are you being so hard on yourself?'
Immediately I felt the prickling of tears. Because it's true: I'm being bullied by myself all the time!
'Gee, is it hot in here?' I thought, and searched frantically for a suitable answer. But in the end I got no further than: 'Because.'

And with new understanding I looked at my son.

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6 comments

  1. Because!

    It was my answer to everything that "I don't know" couldn't answer throughout my teenage years. Sometimes those are still my fallback answers to the tough questions.

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  2. Finding the words is so hard sometimes. I feel like that now and I have been a teenager for a million years.

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  3. Funny story- my brothers used to not tell my mom anything... because she didn't ask. One time my brother was in a car accident and he did not tell me mom, because she did not ask. Anyway, yes, I am guilty of being too hard on myself. :)

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  4. I think we are all guilty of being too hard on ourselves. My typical answer is "fine". I think I got that from my mom. We're always just "fine". :)

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  5. Aww...big hugs to you and your son.

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  6. I don;t know if we as moms are being hard on ourselves or keeping ourselves in check... I tell you... I am too hard on myself and have to remind myself constantly that "it's okay." After all ... we are only trying to be the best moms we can be! Hang in there. Grace, peace and blessings, Carla

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