Momfever

Why? Because.

2012-01-27T03:45:00.000-08:00

I was sitting at the therapist's office with my eldest son. He was diagnosed with PDD-NOS when he was eleven, and when he hit puberty he had some trouble remembering the meaning of life.

Of course I tóld him what the meaning of life was, but he wasn't impressed. So I took him so see a therapist to help him see the light. Unfortunately the therapist thought it was a good idea if I sat in on their sessions. So there I sat, my toes curling in my Uggs with discomfort, while listening to their stilted conversation.

'Well Jan, how are you doing?'
'Fine.'
'How do you mean 'fine'?
'Just fine.'
'Why 'fine'?
'Because.'

'Jan, I can't read your mind, because I'm not clairvoyant! So you have to meet me halfway. How do you feel about that?'
'Fine.'
'How do you mean 'fine'?
'Just: 'fine'!'
'Why 'fine'?'
'Because.'

I felt like shaking my son and screaming: 'Show some cooperation! You're embarassing me.'
But then suddenly, the therapist turned to me and asked: 'Why are you being so hard on yourself?'
Immediately I felt the prickling of tears, because it's true: I'm constantly being bullied by myself.

'Is it warm in here?' I thought, feeling all hot and bothered, while I wrecked my brain for the right answer. In the end I couldn't think of anything else to say but: 'Because.'

And I looked at my son with a sudden, new understanding.

Yet another victory for Mom Vader!

2012-01-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

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Wordless Wednesday

Sit and chill

2012-01-23T00:01:00.000-08:00

I was watching this documentary about a big family, of 12.

The dad, who looked extremely relaxed, explained how he kept it all together. I was at the edge of my seat, waiting for the words that would change my life. Finally, I was gonna find out how to stay relaxed amidst chaos, and kids screaming my name.

Then the dad spoke: 'I do what needs to be done, and when I'm finished, I sit and chill!'

I leaned back in disappointment.
Because I'm never finished!

When hubby is home...

2012-01-21T05:39:00.003-08:00

Young love

2012-01-17T01:09:00.000-08:00

Six hours, that's how long my eldest daughter's very first Relationship lasted.

But when her new love felt the need to publish his love for her on Facebook, with some heartfelt lines, she ended it immediately.
'And he even wanted to see me every day!' she explained, looking exasperated.

An hour later a message appeared on the Facebookpage of her ex: 'Abandoned already'. I feel this boy has got a great future ahead of him as a writer of Country and Western songs!

Bird Watching

2012-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

Deep down I've always known: I should have been the mom of one of those nature children. You know, the kind that plays outside all day? The fact that my kids are glued to their WII, Computer and Nintendo's, is obviously the result of too much city living.

So now that we live in the country, I smelled an opportunity to help my Inner Nature Mom blossom. I decided to start with my youngest, Piet, thinking he would be the easiest to brainwash.

I lured him outside with tales about birds and squirrels, and pushed Bird Watching for Dummies into his little backpack.
'Here honey! You go birdwatching, and then later you can tell mommy all about it! I won't expect you back for the next four hours!'

It seemed to work! Pete ran upstairs to find his binoculars, and ran outside to do some serious bird watching. From the kitchen window I tried to spot some birds myself, but they must have all gone down south, sipping martini's in the sun.

Apparently though, I didn't look hard enough, because twenty minutes later Pete ran in with an impressive list of birds he'd seen. Among them the very rare Great Spotted Cuckoo.

That night I jotted them in my little notebook: 'Today I saw an 8-year old Fibber.'

Boomerang Syndrome

2012-01-12T22:48:00.000-08:00

Moving house is a process. A process in which you have to let go of the old, and embrace the new.

Because I felt it was important the kids were aware of this process, I felt it was my maternal duty to remind them about our upcoming move. Repetitively.
So when I served them macaroni and cheese, I said: 'This is the very last time you're having macaroni and cheese in this house!'
And when I hosed them down in the bath tub, I observed: 'This will be your last time in this bath tub.'

Unfortunately this mindfulness has turned against me! Because now that we're in our new home, my kids are shouting: 'This is the first time in thís house mommy!' all the time. And last night my youngest farted loudly, and said: 'That's my first fart in this house mommy!'

Boomerang syndrome

This boomerang effect, is a highly prevalent parenting phenomenon, called Boomerang Syndrome. You know you've fallen victim to Boomerang Syndrome when your own parenting techniques suddenly turn against you.

You won't hear experts talking about this syndrome though, because they are covering it up. They want you to follow their parenting advice, and buy their parenting books! They don't care that, their advice is going to bite you in the ass.

But whenever the kids taunt me by saying things like: 'That's our first fight in our new home!' I have the final word.

I just say: 'It won't be the last time!'

Dubious bouquet...

2012-01-11T00:28:00.001-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Avalanche of appreciation

2012-01-08T06:33:00.000-08:00

Moving house turns out to be a great way to get some much needed appreciation pré-posthumously!

My two youngest sons came home from their last day at school, wearing white t-shirts that carried the names of all their classmates. But the real tearjerker turned out be this little booklet the class had made for them. In it they had written all their sweet memories of my two sons.
'I will miss your beautiful smile,' I read, and got all choked up. And: 'I'm going to miss your jokes!'

My kids turn out to be really funny, and well loved, now that they're leaving.

Moving house can put a real strain on your relationship….

2012-01-03T22:41:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Saying goodbye

2012-01-02T10:54:00.000-08:00

The time has come to say goodbye to the house that has been our home for the last 12 twelve years. And like the French say: 'Partir c'est mourir un peu,' or in plain English: it hurts to say goodbye.

So I made this little movie showing all our happy times. It's a real tear jerker, let me tell you!

But now, it's onwards and upwards!
On to a whole new period, of country living!

Saying goodbye

2011-12-31T13:31:00.000-08:00

When I walked my two youngest to school last Monday I, whispered: 'Ot and Pete, do you realize this is the very last Monday we'll be walking this way to school? After we move to the country, we'll have to ride bíkes to get to your new school.'

And when Tuesday arrived, I announced in solemn tones: 'Ot and Pete, this is a memorable moment! It's the last Tuesday we're walking the walk to school. Let's take a moment to consider this.'

On Wednesday I said: 'I can't believe this is the last Wednesday we're walking to school together. Can you feel how special this is?'

On Thursday I walked the kids to school in my running clothes and I declared: 'This is a solemn occasion, because this is our last Thursday walking this route.'

Then, on Friday, I took a deep breath to tell the kids how special that day was. But before I could get the words out, Ot en Pete shouted: 'Yeah yeah mom!!! We knów, it's the last day of school. Stop saying that all the time!' And then they ran off.

And as I watched them go, I realized: 'I'm sick of saying goodbye.
The time has come to actually leave!'

Colour explosion

2011-12-28T23:11:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Chilling out

2011-12-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

Panting with admiration I watched a documentary featuring a father of 12. He stayed so cool, even though havoc surrounded him!

I sat on the edge of my couch when he told the audience how he maintained his cool under the pressure of such a big family.
His precise words were: 'I do everything I have to do. And when I'm finished, I chill out.'

Disappointed I leaned back on my couch. Because I'm néver finished.

Mother of the Year election

2011-12-21T00:48:00.000-08:00

Concerning: Disqualification

Dear sir, mrs,

We hereby inform you that you have been disqualified from the Mom of the Year election. You have been found guilty of gross negligence, and unforgivable nonchalance.

By nót thoroughly studying the school news letter, ánd memorizing it, you sent your son to school without the requested Christmas paraphernalia. Thus making your son the only child in class unable to create a Chrismas wreath. No doubt your son shall carry the memory of the day his mom sent him to school without the necessary stúff, with him for the rest of his life.

Your excuse: 'Yes but, but I thought it wás next week,' is not appreciated. There are no excuses for this kind of sloppiness. Neither is your story that you'll be moving to the country and saying you sometimes feel 'overwhelmed'.

So we're sure you'll understand your participation in the Mother of the Year election is no longer appreciated.

yours sincerely and smugly,

Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears, Mr.T, Katie Holmes, Lindsay Lohan

Random conversation

2011-12-16T06:02:00.000-08:00

'I saw you at the store, looking at refrigerators!' the guy at the local bakery told me.
I blanched, because I had neither seen, nor noticed him, and I always worry people think I'm a snob. Which I am, so it's hard work to avoid looking like one.

So I overcompensated by telling him my life story, finishing with the exciting news of our upcoming move to the country.
'And that is why I was looking for refrigerators,' I finally finished my story. The local bakery guy looked a bit stunned.

'And why were you there?' I asked, because conversations are all about taking and giving.
'I bought my wife an iron for our 25th anniversary,' he said, and I searched his face for any telltale bruises while biting my tongue to avoid commiserating with his wife.

But things could get worse for his poor wife, because he added: 'And it didn't work! So I had to return it. Now I got her blender.'

Suddenly I felt like I shóúld have snubbed him intentionally.
As a token to women everywhere.

Exciting riddle: What am I?

2011-12-14T04:37:00.000-08:00

I'm surrounded by little people who fondle themselves in public. They don't even try to hide they're cheating during board games, and they shop for candy without paying if I don't pay attention. They show me their new underpants without any shame, and they share their intimate toilet habits with me.

They're often hard to understand, they lie like there's no tomorrow, but that's called having a'vivid imagination'.

Guess what I am!

Classic: Kid wants a pet, mom doesn't

2011-12-10T09:01:00.000-08:00

The kids' longing for a pet is like nits: the minute you start to relax they pop up again.

So this morning I performed the classicical play: 'Kid wants a pet, but mom doesn't'. My co-star was my son Ot (10), who can be summed up by the slogan of a Malibu Rum commercial. He's 'seriously easy going'.

'Mom, can I have a pet?' he opened with the first line.
'No, mommy thinks pets are stupid. When you're grown-up you can buy one yourself!' I spit out, 'cause I was going with an anger theme.

Instead of appreciating this good news Ot, who obviously knows himself well, whined: 'But then I'll still be living at home!'

Money gone away

2011-12-09T07:30:00.000-08:00

Though it sounds like a peaceful lullaby, this is a actually a very bad news song! Nancy White, a Canadian songwriter, explains to her daughter how her money has gone away, because the market went 'boom'. With special thanks to 'granny' who took it upon herself to invest her granddaughter's money…

The song is from the cd 'Momnipotence' which is a musthave for every mom, if you ask me!

Parenting 101

2011-12-06T11:02:00.000-08:00

When your child goes on a school field trip, or heads of to camp, it is very important to hide your motherly doubts and fears in a place deep inside of you, so as not to bother your kid with yóúr bagage.

Fail

The mom in picture 1A has not understood this important principle. She has positioned herself on the floor, with her arms around the legs of her child, in a futile attempt to keep the kid from leaving.

The ríght attitude for field trips

The mom in picture 3c has positioned her body the right way! She's holding herself in a way that depicts joy and pleasure.

This free parenting class was offered to you by Momfever Inc.

You can look, but please don't touch

2011-12-02T04:09:00.000-08:00

Hubby likes to show his love for me, by physical contact. He likes to visit my side of the bed, and then wrench his clammy foot between my warm legs. And if that's not an option, he wants to at least put his hand on my shoulder. Just so I know that he's there.

Sweet as this is, after a whole day with five kids I have become an Untouchable. I have no greater desire, than the whole bed. The whole bed, and nothing but the bed. And nobody touching me.

Because this isn't a very sympathetic desire, I grab every opportunity to ease my guilty conscience. So when hubby and I were watching an episode of Ghost Whisperer, and I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt's tv hubby take up all the bed, I shouted triumphantely: 'You see! He's taking up all the space! There's no room left for her!'

'No he isn't!' hubby said. 'He's on hís side of the bed!'
I took another look, and had to admit: technically he was júst on his own side.
'Well, he's almóst on her side of the bed, which is annoying too!' I tried to prove my point.
'Yes, but where else should the poor guy lie himself down to sleep?!'
'Waaay more to the edge of the bed!' I explained.

Then Jennifer Love Hewitt herself got into bed, clad in a long white nightgown, and cuddled up to her tv-hubby.

'Ha!' hubby said meaningfully. 'You see?!'
I saw, I heard, and I was silent.'

And tomorrow I'm going to buy me a nightgown.

After Supermom and Intellectumom, there is now…. Catmom!

2011-11-29T23:35:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

I like myself

2011-11-28T04:21:00.000-08:00

It's lonely at the top, so I had taken some time out of my busy schedule, to like myself on Facebook. A lot.

I was very pleased with the result, because obviously, I was a popular girl!

But my joy was shortlived, because soon after, my eldest son came down the stairs, laughing so hard he almost tripped. Between laughs he managed to squeeze out: 'Mom liked hersélf at Facebook. Lots of times! How sad is that?!'

So I told hím: 'How do you know that was mé! Many people like me a lot!'
'Because when you like someone, your name appears behind it.' my daughter informed me.
'Oh…' I whispered, feeling myself turning an ugly Heinz Ketchup red.

When they were finally done laughing, my son said in the tone of voice usually reserved for the terminally ill: 'Do you want me to remove them for you mom? And then I'll like you!'
I nodded gratefully.

But when I logged into my Facebook page I saw he hadn't liked me.
He'd poked me...

10 frugal tips for Christmas Gifts for your kids

2011-11-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

Santa Clause is comin' to town, but it's not his wallet that's on the line! With commercials inspiring your kids to ask for the moon, many a parent feels the pressure a come up with the right presents. Luckily I have come up with the ultimate list of Gifts That Won't Break The Bank!

Go to the kitchen drawer, and get yourself a wooden spoon. Get the permanent markers out, and draw a face on it! If you're feeling really generous, you can create a whole family this way!
Google an area with soil of clay. Throw a big spade in the back of your car, and drive to this area. Get yourself some clay. Wrap it up with a bow made of straw.
Collect autumn leaves outside, and wrap them up. You can make all kinds of things out of leaves. Really. Like Fall themed necklaces.
Rinse out those smelly jars, and fill them up with different colours of sand. Make sure to vary the colors! Your kids will love their ornament.
If you really want to go crazy, give your kids five empty wine bottles to use as an instrument. Put water in them, and you kid can work at being a musician.
Get four empty jars and fill them with orange, red, green and yellow syrup. Make sure you put the lid on tight. Your kid will be over the moon with these bright, colourful eye catchers.
Go to the woods, and get some branches. Tie a ribbon around them. This present will really stimulate your child's imagination.
Go the local supermarket and get yourself a big box. Present it to your child as an a: Playhouse, b: Car, C: Hat and D: Boat.
Now this one is a classic: get an old sock, put it on a branch and there you have it: a horse!
Get the scissors and cut out all kinds of beautiful toys your child wants. Use paste to stick them to a big piece of cardboard. This way you kid get his very own Dream Poster! If you want to make it an educative poster too, get the permanent marker out again and write on it: Stop Consumerism!'

Disclaimer: I can not be held responsible for any emotional or mental damages, nor scars on your child's soul, caused by the use of these lovely suggestions.

Nor can I be held responsible to pay the bills for future therapy.

After Supermom, there is now… Intellectmom!

2011-11-22T23:10:00.001-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Arr, I found me a treasure!

2011-11-20T02:16:00.000-08:00

I love to go treasure hunting. But because I'm not a one legged pirate, I do my searching for hidden gems in thrift shops.

And this week I got lucky! I found a classical library step. As I walked into the thrift shop, it stood there, like it was waiting for me. And you can even turn it into a table!

I have been longing for a library step like this for ages. It's going to look great with our two bookcases.

I feel like I should start smoking a pipe and sit on my new library step ladder in front of all my books, looking all Freudian and intellectual!

How do you like my treasure?!

And when I dream, I dream of you...

2011-11-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

During breakfast hubby told me in an indignant tone of voice, he'd dreamt he wanted to divorce me. Apparently, in his dream, I had abused his absence to decorate our house, with wall to wall Laura Ashley wallpaper.

As with most dreams, there may have been a small grain of truth in this one. In the past I have felt decorating inspiration strike me hard, leaving me with no choice but to act right away! Unfortunately this doesn't mesh well with hubby's attitude of: 'Take it slow, and then take it a bit slower'.

I was curious to know: 'Was I prepared to remove the wallpaper?'
'No, you liked it way too much,' hubby said surly.
I was pleased. 'Yeah, that sounds like the me I know!'

'Yeah, to me too,' hubby said bitterly.

My personal art collection: Early Primitives

2011-11-16T00:50:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Rated UM: Unsuitable for Moms!

2011-11-14T04:54:00.000-08:00

Why isn't there a symbol for movies that warns: 'Totally Unsuitable For Moms'?!

There I was, innocently tuning into a series called Love my Way, a big bowl of potato chips on my lap. But just as I crammed the first fistful of chips into my mouth, the eight year old girl of one of the main characters died. Right there on the screen. I totally choked up, the potato chips catching in my throat.

I tried to tell myself: 'It's not real! The actress playing the eight year old girl probably wanted a raise, thereby earning herself an early death!'
But it was no use, and soon I sat there choking back not only my salty chips, but also salty tears.

So I turned off the tv, and went to look for my kids. And when I found them I gave them a big, smelly potatoe chips hug. Because that's love my way!

Rated UfM: Unsuitable for Moms

These kinds of scenes really should come with a warning! I feel it is my civic duty as a mom to start my very own list of movies that are UfM: Unsuitable for Moms!

And the first movie that I'ld like to nominate is…. drum rolls and stuf:

Sophie's Choice!

Which movies do you rate UfM?!

Nerd glasses from Proopticals

2011-11-11T01:55:00.000-08:00

I've had big frames, and I've had small frames.

But lately I've come to think: if you have to wear glasses, you might as well flaunt them. So I'm totally in love with nerd glasses. They seem to say: 'Yeah, I'm wearing glasses! And don't I look intelligent!'

So when I got the chance to get a pair for free from Proopticals, I was all over it, like a bad rash. They arrived yesterday, and boy do I look like an intellectual! The frame feels very sturdy, and came in a nice little box. When I put them on I could feel my I.Q. taking a giant leap.

To complete my new, intellectual demeanor, I added lots of pencils to my hair, a very difficult book ánd a pensive look in my eyes.

NIf only the glasses in the frame, fit my prescription! I fear I will have to wear my contacts underneath these sturdy frames...

The joke is on hubby

2011-11-10T05:58:00.000-08:00

Hubby slipped on the stairs in the train station, while trying to race the other travelers for the exit.

Obviously this is not without risk, because he wears Birkenstocks come rain, snow, icy sleet, hail or shine. Hence he is now sporting an eye decorated with all kinds of unfashionable colours. Every day he studies his eye extensively in the mirror, and then tells me his findings during a two hour slideshow.

He finds it very funny to tell people, I'm responsbible for his shiner. So when two neighbourhood kids were at the door shouting: 'What happened to your eye?!' hubby saw a chance to once again tell his stupid joke.
'My wife did it!'
'Wuss!' the boys shouted, their voices filled with youthful disdain.

Now, thát was funny!

I can see the head!

2011-11-08T22:58:00.000-08:00

Wordless Wednesday

Intimate Strangers

2011-11-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

The kids were playing house, with some new kids they'd met in the nearby playground.

My son told one of the girls in his most masculine voice: 'Well Mother, I'm heading off to work!'
And 'Mother' replied tenderly: 'And I'll start cooking!'

Then she leaned over and whispered: 'And by the way: 'What's your name?'

Who do I think I am! God?!

2011-11-03T06:07:00.000-07:00

'You can't outrun the long arm of the law!' Kenny Rogers warned, but how far do the arms, and influence of a mom reach?

After lots of struggling and hitting each other with different research results, psychologists finally agree: a child's development is equally determined by parenting, environment and genetics.

Yet as a mom I feel 100% responsible for my children's happiness! Whereas about fifty percent of their happiness has nothing to do with me. I'm neither omniscient nor omnipotent. I can't protect them from everything, and perhaps I shouldn't want to. Because isn't life supposed to hurt now and then? Isn't that what helps you grow?

Even God got in trouble with that 50% he couldn't influence. The minute he turned his back, Adam and Eve took a bite from the forbidden fruit.

So at least I'm a in good company!

Creative use of environment

2011-11-01T23:58:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

A fight waiting to happen

2011-10-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

Some fights are just waiting to happen. Yesterday evening, hubby and I were watching Medium and Ghost Whisperer. And we got into this deep, and meaningful discussion about which one was the better series.

Hubby felt compelled to share I had a lot more in common with Allison in Medium, than with Melinda from Ghost Whisperer.
'It's a pity you're not a bit more like Melinda from Ghost Whisperer!' he shared with me.

For those of you who don't know these series: Allison is played by Patricia Arquette, and is a tired mom who wears really ugly pyjamas. Melinda, on the other hand, has long flowing hair, and is played by Jennifer Love Hewitt. She wears sexy, floaty white nightgowns, and is nót tired, nor is she a mom.

I took some deep breaths, and reminded myself: I wánt hubby to share his innermost thoughts and feelings. And perhaps I took his comparison completely the wrong way! So I asked him: 'What exactly áre the similarities between Allison and me?'

Whereas hubby is usually stumped for answers, now they came effortlessly: 'Allison is often cranky and tired!'

And then I demonstrated to hubby just how much like Allison I can be.

GFC and comment annoyances

2011-10-28T02:54:00.000-07:00

I love blogging and I love getting comments even more.

But I have to say: I only like comments of people who actually bother to read the post they comment on. And I absolutely hate comments like: 'Hi, I'm a new follower, will you follow me?'
Those comments, I throw straight into the trash. Just so you know!

Did you réád my post?!

If you're a guest on my blog, and you want to tell me something, at least preténd you're interested in me as a blogger, and not just as a would-be-follower. I took the time and effort to write something interesting and witty, so don't just hit me up to follow you, because I won't.

GFC

Which raises another sore subject with me: what's with the craving for followers?! I feel GFC is like the emperor's clothes: everyone is all enthusiastic about it, when in fact it's an empty shell. I've got 478 followers, but it's not like I have 478 visitors everyday! Not by a long shot. I'ld like to call out to my 'followers': where are you guys?! Am I moving too fast for you?

To sum up: I like my comments well thought out, friendly, and crispy on the outside.

How do you like yóúr comments?
And how do you feel about the Followers Myth?

Say something nice?

2011-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

I was starving for some positive reinforcement, so against my better judgement I asked hubby: 'Please say something nice to me?'
In my defense: it had been a very long day, and the kids had been awful!

Hubby immediately got that familiar deer-in-the-headlight look, while I waited patiently. Minutes went by, and the silence got more and more ominous.
Then hubby managed to utter these words: 'Are your boobs bigger today?'

Always check your coat for panties after it's been laundered!

2011-10-25T23:01:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

8 Fun Things to do with your kids when all you wanna do is sleep

2011-10-25T02:42:00.000-07:00

• Play Beauty parlor, with you as the client. Be sure to remove all permanent markers first!

• Play hairsalon, with you as the client. Remove all scissors that still work!

• Play Tattoo parlor, with you as the client. You had already removed all permanent markers. Right?!

• Let your kids read to yóú, en show them how to listen with your eyes closed.

• Meditate with your child: be sure not to snore!

• Play cinema-for-the-blind: put a dvd of the Teletubbies in the dvd-player, and watch with your eyes closed.

• Play hospital, with you as the patient that's in a coma. Be sure to remove all sharp knives, needles and thread, so your child won't operate on you.

• Play mountain climber, and you can be the mountain.

Lookalike

2011-10-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

I was working, blogging away, minding my own business when my eldest daughter declared in triumphant tones: 'Sybil and I aren't the only ones anymore who think you look like professor Trewlawney!'
'Huh?'
'My friend Mary thinks so too!'

When I got the first report, about my similarity to this Harry Potter character, I of course googled her to check out whether I should be flattered or bummed. It turned out 'bummed' was the way to go.

Because professor Trewlawney has a lot of wild hair, big nerd glasses, and long flowing skirts. And I hate to admit it: this description fits me quite well… Especially now that vanity died a bloody death by the hand of laziness, and I wear my glasses fulltime.

My daughter saw the dismay on my face, and said consolingly: 'Don't worry mom. The actrice playing the part of professor Trewlawney is really pretty!'

But then she spoiled it by adding: 'Before they turn her into professor Trewlawney.'

7 Ways to avoid looking like a Mom

2011-10-20T04:19:00.000-07:00

A prophet is despised in his own country, and moms in their own family.

Now that my eldest daughter has turned not-so-sweet sixteen, she has taken it upon herself to educate me on my looks. After careful study of my dressing habits, she presented me with her conclusion, and it was nót favorable.

According to her I look like a Mom.
So I asked her: 'What is it that gives me away, and makes me look like the mom that I am?'
Unfortunately, she could not specify what I did wrong, but she was kind enough to tell me that my overall look was 'sloppy', 'messy' and 'generally disheveled'.

So I have taken it upon myself to create a list with 7 Ways To Avoid Looking Like A Mom. I'm convinced this list will be the next big thing on the internet! Here it comes!

7 Ways To Avoid Looking Like A Mom

Get a 'real' hairdo. You know, the kind where the hairdresser's actually cuts your hair into a certain shape. So none of those 'easy' short cuts! Nor can you get away with long hair gathered up into a messy knot. The key to a successfull I'm Not a Mom Hairdo is 'a lot of work'!
Take a critical look at your coat: does it have a hood? And is it made out of practical Goretex, keeping wind and rain out, and you comfortable warm? Get rid of it! Your coat screams: 'I'm a mommy!' Invest heavily into a short jacket with cleavage, allowing icy winds to give you a pneumonia.
Wear heels! No more Uggs, Birkenstocks and flat shoes for you. In fact you should ban all shoes that are comfortable, to be on the safe side.
Beware of the Mom Jeans! You can recognize this model by the high waist, and tapered legs. it will make your buns look three times as big.
Wear the latest fashion styles. Avoid all comfortable clothes. Comfort should no longer be a consideration when buying clothing.
Wear big, dangly earrings, the kind that invite toddlers to grab and pull.
Train yourself to become insensitive to the cry of 'Mommy!' So when you're out, walking on the street, in your high heels, fancy hairdo, and uncomfortable clothing, and some kid you don't know shouts: 'Mommy!' do not freeze in your tracks! And above all, do nót shout: 'Mommy is coming honey!'

After reading my own list, it kind of makes sense why my daughter thinks I look like a mom.

I'm afraid that I'm beyond saving, but it may not be too late for you!
Save yourself!

Birthday cake for an 8 year old for Dummies

2011-10-18T23:33:00.001-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Rock bottom

2011-10-17T06:35:00.000-07:00

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom with your kids, they surprise you.

'Mommy, tell Pete he's not allowed to walk over my shadow!'

Nów you've hit rock bottom.

Mom Alert!

2011-10-14T07:00:00.000-07:00

Sounds that require immediate action on your part:

The scraping sound of a kitchen chair, pushed across the kitchen floor.
The rustling sound of candy, secretively being unwrapped.
A door that is closed ever so gently.

But above all, these words: 'Mom, I'm not doing anything!'

So if you'll excuse me!

Bad Feng Shui

2011-10-11T23:38:00.000-07:00

… tangled up wind chimes

Wordless Wednesday

Are you scared?

2011-10-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

To fan the smouldering embers of our relationship, my husband and I like to pretend we're going to the movies. Of course we don't really go, because that would mean hiring a babysitter, but every Saturday night we stretch out on the couch armed with big bags of chips.

Last Saturday we rented Paranormal Activity, a scary psychological thriller. Trembling with fear we hid behind the couch, and jumped in fright at the slightest sound. After looking everywhere, we finally located the remote control in a vase, and started the movie.

For those of you who are blissfully ignorant about this movie, let me scare you by telling you what it's about: the female character is haunted, and the movie doesn't end well. There you have it! Don't say I didn't warn you.

During the scary parts I tried to calm myself, by mumbling: 'It's only a movie, it's only a movie!' My hubby is useless in these situations, because he gets even more scared than me! 'Impressive what they can do with special effects nowadays, isn't it honey?!' I said to calm ourselves.

Then suddenly, right in the middle of the story, the movie ended. Hubby came out of his hiding place behind the curtains, and poured himself a very large drink.
'Never again!' we promised ourselves.

But then I heard about Paranormal 3! Wanna watch the preview with me?!

Hubby says he's 'too busy'...

Messy Home?

2011-10-09T05:54:00.000-07:00

Neighbourhood kids often look around around our happy home, and declare: 'It's só messy in here! Our house looks much better.'

This observation baffles me, because I think our house looks quite well, thank you! But, seven people live in it, and perhaps that explains their cruel judgment. Besides, I suspect their parents of Minimalism!

Yesterday the boy next door had a new point of critique: 'Your front door is always open! Burglars can walk right in!'
'Well,' I struck back, 'that's because you never close the front door behind you!'

That one he had to think about. After a few minutes of solemn silence he told me in hopeful tones: 'Perhaps burglars will steal all your stuff, and then your house won't be messy anymore!'

Bouquet of flowers or work in disguise?

2011-10-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

I love getting presents. But only presents that don't require any action on my part, otherwise they're just work in disguise.

So when hubby comes home, brandishing a big bouquet of flowers, I tell him with appropriate gratitude: Thank you honey. Now put them in a vase please.'

Then hubby throws them into the sink and mumbles something along the lines of: 'I'll do it later.' And by later he means: next year, or when he feels like it, whichever comes first. Which is usually 'next year'.
So then I'll have to heave myself off the couch, to rescue my flowers from a horrible death by thirst.

I'll get the big butcher knife, and start sawing away at the stems, because obviously, I'm not going to do them one by one! That would take forever. As soon as I'm done I'll plonk the vase on a table, and quickly run back to the couch.

When the world still turned in As The World Turns, they had the right idea: bouquets were presented in a vase, with a neat bow tied around it. It required no action on the part of the recipient whatsoever.

Nevertheless, when Barbra Streisand moaned: 'You don't bring me flowers anymore', she probably had only herself to blame.

Like I do.

Let me strike you blind with my beautiful skirt!

2011-10-04T23:44:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

I've got a headache

2011-10-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

Now that the dust of Summer Vacation has fínally settled, I took some time to look around me and perhaps smell some roses.

And the first thing I saw, was hubby. He looked kind of dusty and neglected, so I decided to do some work on our relationship.

Considering both my mom and Dr. Laura, say the way to please a man is through good food and sex, and we were all out of food, I decided it would be great idea to do the Soca Dance! In my mind I saw myself dancing in one of those very short skirts, gyrating my buns into his crotch. Or perhaps his belly, because he's not very tall…

I got all fired up and presented the idea to hubby. But instead of jumping for joy with such a great wife, he said he had a headache and 'didn't want to'.

So I fear I'll have to make a trip to the supermarket to get some food.

Look at what hubby is missing out on!

Gehwohl!

2011-09-30T09:34:00.000-07:00

As a mom I do a lot of wringing of the hands. Usually with a wet rag in between.

And my poor, delicate hands pay the price, so last week I liberally applied Gehwohl, a cream for dry feet. I figured: if it works for feet, it will also work on hands! Afterwards I left the tube lying around, somewhere in the area of the kids' toothbrushes. I'm real domestic that way.

And that is why this morning, my hubby looked at me malevolently and declared: 'You shouldn't put your foot cream near the toothpaste! I accidentally brushed my teeth with it!'

Now, there are memories you cherish for ever, and I knew right away: 'This one is priceless!' So when I'm feeling a bit down, I take it out of my box of memories, and I laugh! Really hard.

And when I encounter hubby, I can't help but greet: 'Geh wohl!' and 'Grüss Gott!'

My dream home!

2011-09-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Universal Answers

2011-09-26T06:50:00.000-07:00

As a mom of five kids, who like to talk to me all at the same time, I'm very fond of Universal Answers.

That way they all feel like I've given them the time of day, and no one feels neglected. Take for example the universal: 'Uh-huh'. But 'Hmhm' also deserves a mention! The more universal the answer, the better.

One might argue that 'Yes Anwers' are pretty universal too, but these are not without danger. Before you know, it you've given your kids permission to polish off fifty cookies, or to take a vacation by themselves in Ibiza. When this happens you see'll a triumphant gleam in your kids' eyes, and immediate measures should be taken.

Unfortunately this means you'll have to stop using universal answers, and focus all your attention on the child in question. Then you have to tell him, or her, that the universal meaning of 'Yes' is sometimes 'No'.

This is a universal problem for moms, for which there is unfortunately, no universal answer.

You can't do everything!

2011-09-23T06:27:00.000-07:00

In anticipation of a visit from a posh, elderly lady, I'd gone through the house like a human whirlwind, removing all the evidence of a household suffering from neglect.

As a final touch I sprayed floral scents all around me, making the house smell like a meadow. Or a very cheap bathroom. I even remembered to clean up our entrance: I swept our sidewalk and removed all the kids' toys. Then I looked around me, and I saw that it was good.

My posh lady duly arrived, and we had a highly polished conversation about stuff, while we drank tea from delicate porcelain cups I'd scored in the local thrift shop. Then I had to go to the toilet, because all that tea made my bladder complain. So I excused myself for a moment, and when I got back I saw my visitor standing in front of our living room window. The one that looks out on to our back garden.

And that's when it hit me: THE GARDEN! I've forgotten to clean up the back yard! Silently I stood beside her, and together we looked at the wasteland before us.

Then I mumbled: 'Well…'
She turned to me and kindly said: 'Honey, you can't be expected to do everything!'

Long after she was gone, I hugged those words to me. And when hubby came home, and complained about dinner not being ready I replied: 'Honey, I can't be expected to do everything!'

I'm coming out of the closet!

2011-09-20T22:57:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Relationship advice for men!

2011-09-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

I like old fashioned courtsey in a man. I love it when they open a door for me, or lift their hat to greet me. A woman likes to feel appreciated and treasured.

But if that's too much to ask, and something tells me it is, then I would like at least a man who doesn't fart when I'm around and who doesn't belch. But above all, I would like him to put the toilet seat down.

Country singer Brad Paisly obviously 'gets' women, and is offering some free relationship advice in his song 'Ode de Toilet'

She says not to buy her flowers
Or big expensive gifts
She says she don't want jewlery
And she doesn't need another dress
If I want to show her how much I adore her
The best way that I've found
Is to make sure when I'm finished
I put that toilet seat down

We've been to counseling
To try and see the ways we could improve
This thing between us
And different ways to show each other "I love you"
Forget about those getaway vacations
To romantic coastal towns
If you want to say "I love you"
Then put that toilet seat down

'Cause in the middle of the night
It's cold and it's dark
And when I hear my name in vain
I know I haven't done my part
She just wants me to support her
And the best way that I've found
So with a gentle hand and a loving touch
I put that toilet seat down

I know it's kind of funny
You can teach a little puppy
But it's very hard to train a grown man
When I'm all about my buisiness
And the path of least resistance
She's the one that suffers in the end

In the middle of the night
It's cold and it's dark
And when I hear my name in vain
I know I haven't done my part
She just wants me to support her
And the best way that I've found
So with a gentle hand and a loving touch
I put that toilet seat down
Down, down

From the creators of the Walmart Cone!

2011-09-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

From the creators of the Walmart Cone, now comes a new product…… THE BLINKER!

Do you come home from a shopping trip with way more stuff then you intended?
Having trouble resisting commercials and discounts?
Are you talking yourself into buying stuff by reasonings like: 'There's a 70 percent discount, and I'll get an additional discount of 25% percent at the cash register, so I'ld be a fool nót to buy this!'

Then you should buy the…. Blinker!

Shopping with out dropping!

Thanks to this unique product you'll be able to go shopping without dropping. No longer will you be bombarded with seductive signs, whispering: 'Buy me, buy me!'

Now available in your local Walmart for only 9,95!

Special Offer: Get your Blinker today, and get a 5 dollar discount on the Walmart Cone!

I had a dream!

2011-09-16T00:16:00.000-07:00

'I remember a dream I had, way back in 1999,' my fourteen year old told me in the tone of voice of a man who has seen many things in his life, and is now considering getting some blinkers.

I love this kind of personal stuff, so I drooled: 'Please, tell me more!'
'We were sitting at the table, having dinner.'

Breathlessly I waited for the rest of the story, but when my whole life started to flash by due to lack of oxygen, I asked: 'And then?!'

'That was it.'

Moms are regular multitools!

2011-09-13T23:26:00.000-07:00

You can throw then on top of a car filled with bushes, and they'll flatten them for you!

Wordless Wednesday

The joke's on mom

2011-09-13T04:21:00.000-07:00

A mom's journey is filled with boobytraps and bad jokes.

For example: Do you know the one about the mom who went to the toystore, to get her child the toy said child had whined about for months?
When she got home, her kid didn't like it.

Hahahaha.

And do you know the joke about the mom who went through a whole lot of trouble to create her kid's favourite dish?
Her kid took one look at it, and refused to eat it.

Hahahahaha.

And here's a good one: do you know the one about the mom who tought she would have a moment of peace?
She didn't get it!

Hahahaha!

And this one will have you rolling on the floor laughing: do you know the one about the mom who was going to do everything different? Better, sweeter and more patient?
She failed!

Hahahahah.

Like I said: the path of a mom is filled with really bad jokes.

Where were you…?

2011-09-11T03:14:00.001-07:00

The love of a good wife

2011-09-09T02:45:00.000-07:00

Today my husband came home, and whispered in the tones of a dying man: 'I don't feel so well… I may have caught the flu.'
My first thought was: 'Tough! You'll just have to keep going, just like I do!'
But then it hit me: if hubby was home, then I could make a break for it!

So I tenderly told him: 'Why don't you have nice lie down honey, and tomorrow you'll call in sick. You can lie on the couch with a blanket, and watch the kids, while I pop out. It will give me a chance to do some grocery shopping, go to the library, and perhaps have a nice quiet lunch with me, myself and I.

For a while my husband stayed silent. Then he said, in a much stronger voice than before: 'What do you know?! I suddenly feel much better! I do believe I'll go to work tomorrow, for some peace and quiet.'

Sometimes you have to go out on a limb!

2011-09-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

How to talk to husbands

2011-09-06T00:26:00.000-07:00

Whenever I want to have a heart to heart with my husband, he gets this shifty look in his eyes, and needs to go to the bathroom. Or he gets sidetracked wondering how a word is spelled, because he's a bit of a language freak. He reads dictionaries for pleasure, need I say more?

But I have found a solution! I corner him when he's in the bath tub, and has nowhere to go. I pull up my Ikea Mammut stool, and start telling him my innermost thoughts and feelings.

But today, right in the middle of my interesting monologue about how one of the moms at school looked at me 'funny', I suddenly saw these telltale bubbles around his butt.
'Are you farting?' I asked disbelievingly.

My husband wasn't fazed. 'Farting, farting, I'ld like to call it making my own jaccuzzi. I wonder, do you write jacuzzi with two 'c's or only one?'

The Joy of Motherhood in a movie

2011-09-04T04:41:00.001-07:00

You gotta know when to hold them, know when to fold them

2011-09-02T08:02:00.000-07:00

Life with my son Ot who is ten, is like an endless game of poker: who has the best pokerface, and who will fold first?

Take dinner for instance.

Ot will start the game by saying: 'Yuck, I don't like it. I won't eat this!'
And then I will say: 'I'll see you, and I'll raise you to: 'Fine! No Hannah Montana for you tonight!'

Then Ot ups the stakes by stating: 'Then I will never eat again. Ever!'
Now the stakes are really high! What should I do? I decide to follow him, and raise the stakes one more time: 'Agreed, you'll never eat again!'

And self-satisfied I lean back in my chair, thinking: 'There! That should teach him!'
But Ot has nerves of steel, and never loses his pokerface. Again he raises the stakes, this time by saying: 'Then I will leave, and never come back!'

I feel small drops of nervous sweat gathering on my forehead: what to do? Never before did I come up against such a strong player! I decide to take a risk, and raise the stakes one more time.
'Alright! Would you like me to get your coat?'
Then Ot gets up from the table. 'Yes thank you!'

And that's when I know I'm beat, and I fold like a cheap lawn chair. So I say: 'Ot put your coat back, and finally eat your dinner!'

And then the game starts all over again...

Mom in inner turmoil! Should I have two Big Macs or just one?!

2011-08-30T22:45:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Do as I say, not as I do!

2011-08-30T03:26:00.000-07:00

The kids are playing outside all the time. They look filthy as pigs, but who cares. Right now they're shooting a movie featuring my youngest son Piet as Indiana Jones, and my middle son Ot as the villain.

My mommy cup runneth over! They're using their imagination and getting lots of exercise in the great outdoors. They're not sitting passively behind computer- and tvs-creens, munching unhealthy snacks.

Could I wish for anything more?
I think not!

My work here is obviously done. So if anybody needs me, I'll be lying on the couch watching yet another rerun of Friends while crunching through a bag of potatoe chips. And afterwards, I'm thinkin: a game of Pacman?!

What a job!

2011-08-28T03:22:00.000-07:00

Today the complaints kept pouring in. My eldest daughter couldn't find her favourite skinny jeans, my husband was out of matching socks, my youngest son had to send out an APB for his lost shoe, and my youngest daughter slipped in a pool of lemonade, I hadn't had time to mop up yet.

I looked at them hopefully: would this mean I'ld finally get fired, and be able to get some rest? But noooo, after filing their complaints they all looked at me expectantly to come up with a solution. Sadly I could nót leave the premises covered in shame for poor performance.

So I sighed, got a mop, pulled the skinny jeans and socks out of the hamper, found the shoe that had gone awol, put a cast on my daughters leg and mopped the floor.

What a job: 24-hour shifts, seven days a week, and no chance of getting fired.

They said it couldn't be done. And they were right

2011-08-26T00:33:00.000-07:00

Experienced knitters frowned worriedly, when I triumphantly told them about the SuperEasy Poncho Pattern I had found: a big rectangle with a hole in it.
'Even I can do thís!' I bragged.
'Are you sure?' they asked. 'It doesn't even look like a poncho, now does it.'

And they were right: because at the end of my pattern, I am the sad owner of an odd shaped piece of fabric, with a whole lot of holes and odd corners. The holes and corners are my own personal touches. But no matter how I twist and turn the thing, I can't see a poncho in it. Let alone make one of it.

So there goes my succesfull knitting career down the drain! It's a pity though. Because knitting is supposed to calm the nerves. And after all that stupid knitting I could really use something to calm me down.

Perhaps I should take up crocheting?

I'm a featurette!

2011-08-25T01:36:00.000-07:00

A big thank you for featuring me on Friendly Friday!

Like mom, like cake

2011-08-23T22:58:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

The proper care and feeding of husbands

2011-08-22T00:36:00.000-07:00

According to my mom, and Dr. Laura, author of the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands,men are basically very easy to manage. Just throw enough sex and food their way, and they're content.

The first time my mother threw this advice at me I was a bit shocked. Mostly because it concerned Sex, and second of all because I felt it was a bit demeaning to men. But when I told my hubby about my mom's advice, he smiled happily and said: 'She's got a point!'

So now, whenever I want to to give my hubby a treat, I put on this fancy negligé and some high heels. And then I totter to the kitchen and I bake him a pot roast.

Because I like my eight hours a night.

Portrait of me after the kids' Summer Vacation

2011-08-20T04:12:00.001-07:00

'They're coming to take me away, ha-haaa,
They're coming to take me away, ho-ho, hee-hee, ha-haaa.
To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket
weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes and they're
coming to take me away, ha-haaa!!!

I cooked your food, I cleaned your house, and this is how you pay me back
for all my kind unselfish loving deeds... Huh??'

How can I miss you, if you won't go away?

2011-08-19T01:47:00.000-07:00

'How can I miss you if you won't go away,' Eldon Hunt wondered, and I belted along in total agreement.

Now that the kids have finally left for school, I can feel how much I miss them in the blissful silence of an empty house. Suddenly I remember how much I love them, as I sip my coffee without interruptions, or little voices shouting: 'Mommy, he looked at me funny!'

I hope they won't be back for a while, so I can miss them some more.

Life with hubby...

2011-08-16T23:22:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Glasses

2011-08-16T00:24:00.000-07:00

This post has its own personal sponsor!

I've always had a love-hate relationship with my glasses. No strike that: I've always had a hate relationship with them.

On the one side there's my vanity: I can't help but feel my glasses make me less attractive. On the other side is my laziness: glasses are só easy: you put them on and off you go! Contacts require much more effort, and a hand-eye coordination I do not possess.

During Summer Vacation laziness beat vanity, but now that the kids are in school, vanity has staged a come-back and I'm having a flirt with contacts again!

Whát's that on the black board?!

When I was ten years old, the words on the black board started getting blurry, and the school doctor said I needed glasses. I thought things were looking bad, but a year later I also got a pair of braces that wrapped around my head, turning me into an Ugly Betty avant la lettre! Suddenly my glasses were the least of my worries.

Glasses reflect the fashions of times gone by

When I look back at pictures of myself with my eyeglasses, I can't help but smile. You can easily tell which decennium the pictures were taken, just by looking at my frames. During the eighties I wore big frames, and in the nineties they were really small. Right now I'm sporting so called 'nerd glasses'. I'm going for the look that says: 'Don't be fooled by these glasses! I'm real sexy underneath them!'

Buying a new frame is kind of fun, and they come in all different kinds of shapes and prizes. Unfortunately the fun usually stops when you have to buy the glasses that go into the frame. That's when it starts getting expensive. So I was excited when I found GlassesUSA.com, a company that prides itself on a 110% lowest prices guarantee, and a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Virtual mirror on the wall, which frame is the prettiest of them all?

One of the challenges of buying a pair of glasses, is that you need a pair of glasses to see how they look! It's hard to really judge how they look without 20/20 vision! Glasses USA have thought of that: they offer a virtual mirror, that allows you to try on different looks, after which you can buy the prettiest pair of glasses online.

I've got a coupon for that!

You can save 10% when you order glasses at Glasses USA, with the code Mommy10. Want to get two pairs of glasses, for the price of one pair? Then use this code: Back2School. Or use the code Trans25 to take $25 off any order of glasses with Transitions lenses.

Help me out: do you think glasses make a person less attractive?

Feedback Junkie

2011-08-14T03:43:00.000-07:00

I'm a feedback junkie. Which is unfortunate, because I'm a mom. Moms don't usually get much feedback, except when things go wrong.

Like when you have the audacity to skip doing the laundry for óne day, then the feedback starts pouring in. 'Where are my socks, Mom?! Didn't you do my laundry?!' and 'Honey, I can't find any clean underwear, so I'll just wear these another day. You can hardly see the skid marks!'

Luckily I have found a way to feed my longing for some kind words, through blogging. And I'm very happy to report that I was featured by Cindy on Blogginghints, and Kim gave me The Versatile Blogger award.

I would like to thank...

So I would like to take a moment to thank my mom, who gave birth to me. To my dad who helped create me, to all my teachers, my old neighbours, the woman at the cash registry at our local supermarket, the president, my hubby and my kids.

I'm sure I could have done it without you, but I appreciate your input.

Strings attached: seven things about me

Unfortunately there are some strings attached to The Versatile Blogger award. I have to share seven things about me, which kind of sucks, because quite frankly, I'm all shared out. But I do want my reward, because I've already created space in my Award Cabinet. So here goes:

I'm a mom, I love chocolate, I run to keep my mental balance, I'm worried the kids gave me cooties, I love French Fries, I can't wait for the kids to go to school again and I love getting awards! So there you have it!

Now I have to give this award to 15 (!!!) other bloggers, which is a bit much if you ask me. I do have a lot of laundry to do after all. So I'll do 7!

I pass the Versatile Blogger Award on to:

Mommasaid.net
Blogginghints
I've become my parents
Debbie Does Coupons
My Dishwasher is possessed
Spongemom Stretchpants
Jennifer James Online

Mommy Calculus

2011-08-12T01:42:00.000-07:00

My sons Pete is very loud. I think his shouting means he's got a surplus of energy. So if I make sure his energy levels go down, he should shout less! I put my thinking cap on and came up with this brilliant mathematical equation:

Pete has got to much energy (A) - he's very loud (B). In other words: A = B!
Pete has less energy (C) - Pete is not so loud, or C = nót B!

I'm certain Einstein would be real proud of me!

All I have to do now, is make sure Pete gets rid of his surplus of energy. So I threw in some variables like biking a ten miler, and an hour of judo lessons. But I must have miscalculated somewhere, because it did not work. He wasn't even a little bit tired, and still very loud.

Now I've got a whole new calculation: A + B equals D: one very fed up mom.

Effective parenting: 'Mommy will be back in an hour!'

2011-08-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday

Be careful what you wish for!

2011-08-09T00:46:00.000-07:00

For years I wished my eldest son would take more of an interest in appearance.

He just threw on the nearest shirt and pants he could find on the floor, and his hair was so fat, you could easily fry an egg in it. And two sausages.

I should have known better! Because doesn't the saying ominously warn: 'Be careful what you wish for, you might get it!' Well, I 'got' it alright. Nowadays my son takes great care applying his black eyeliner, and adding thick blobs of black eye shadow. The genie has left the bottle, and I got my wish: my son takes an interest in his appearance.

So now I'm desperately rubbing an empty bottle of mineralwater, in the hopes of getting the genie back ín the bottle mumbling: 'I take it back, I take it back!

Time-out!

2011-08-07T06:03:00.000-07:00

I was taking a shower, enjoying some peace and quiet. Then my eldest son ran in, with barely concealed glee, brandishing a note. The note read: 'Fuk'.

'Mommy! That's the word daddy said! I wrote it down so I could show you, because we're not allowed to use thóse words!'
I frowned sternly, partly because because it's hard to raise kids, if you also have to teach your hubby some manners. And partly because of his bad spelling!

'How much punishment should daddy get?' my son asked joyfully. But before I could give him my verdict he added: 'How old is daddy?'
'Fortysix!'
'So daddy should get a time-out of 46 minutes!' and he thundered down the stairs to give my husband the good news.

it just goes to show: giving a time-out by way of punishment is very useful.

It's just a pity our kids are handing them out to ús.

Odd habits

2011-08-05T04:03:00.000-07:00

Everyone has them: odd habits.

Mine is to take a giant leap every time I want to lie me down to sleep. I start out in the hall way, push off in our bedroom, and jump with all my might into our bed.

I háve to do this, you understand. Otherwise the monster beneath our bed, will grab my feet and pull me under!

What's your special habit?

Nót based on true events

2011-08-02T23:01:00.000-07:00

Dramatised picture

Wordless Wednesday

You wanna see my panties?!

2011-08-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

I found some realy cute panties that were on sale. Only 40 cents a piece!

They have useful sayings on them I would like my husband to read:

'Turn back while you still can!' , 'All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep!' and 'Don't mess with the panties'.

But now I find myself wanting to lift up my skirt in public, while shouting: 'Look at my new panties!' I have become a danger to propriety. I blame Summer Vacation. And spending too much time with the kids.

I really need a break. Perhaps I should take a trip to London.
I hear they have some lovely panties over there.

9 things my kids like, that I don't

2011-07-31T05:50:00.000-07:00

Things my kids like, that I don't

Playing Tag, you're it! in the living room
Playing Hide and Seek in the living room
Playing Cowboys and Indians with waterpistols in the living room
Plastic toys that break if you look at them
Jokes about farting
Farting
Playing games on the the Nintendo all day long
Playing games on the computer all day long
Music featuring Barney and Hannah Montana

Stuff that I like, but my kids don't

Quiet time
Reading a book
Going for a walk
Listening to sad Country and Western songs
Wooden toys, that aren't even painted. Preferably a branch
Silence
Silence
Silence
More Silence

What a difference a shoe makes!

2011-07-28T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today I abandoned my trusty Birkenstocks in favor of a pair of shoes that actually have heels. I have to say, I feel kinda different! One might almost say I feel 'feminine'. Even my walk is different.

Granted, my new walk is due to pain, but it really is quite elegant! And as my mom always says: 'One has to suffer for beauty!'

And I've certainly got the suffering part covered.

What kind of shoes do you wear?
Are you going for comfort or for looks?

When scissors fall into the wrong hands...

2011-07-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

Damage Control:

Wordless Wednesday

A Mom's Life: The Movie Score!

2011-07-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

Even though we love our kids, we all have those days. Those days when the days stretches out before you, with endless hours of reading The Little Engine that Could, until you can't no more!

So when I first heard Nancy White's song 'The Children's Entertainer' I felt quite overcome! Finally someone who knew how I felt! And I wanted to share the wealth! So I took some pictures from my own life as a mom, and used The Children's Entertainer as my movie score!

Enjoy! And watch how my hubby enters just at the right moment. All those times of doing crafts with the kids, cutting and pasting, have finally paid off!

Those poor Norwegian parents

2011-07-23T02:06:00.000-07:00

When you send your kids off to summer camp, many a parent feels a bit weepy and worried. 'What if he doesn't like it there? Will she make friends? What if she gets homesick?'

But seldom do you worry about a madman disguising himself as a policemann, who then starts to shoot the kids! It's the kind of horror story that would make even Stephen King say: 'That's too much!'

I can't imagine the terror, and anguish the Norwegian parents must feel, and my heart goes out to them!

I've been debating with myself whether I should talk about this shocking news with the kids, but I'm worried I'll scare them. Like I'm scared.

How do you handle these kind of terrible news stories in regard to your kids?

Hell is an amusement park

2011-07-21T02:58:00.000-07:00

When Sartre declared: 'Hell is other people', I'm sure he had just visited an amusement park. Should I ever go to hell, I expect to be greeted by Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck! Hell to me, is a busy amusement park.

So hubby takes care of trips to amusement parks. The kids actually don't want me to come with them anymore. Because no matter how hard I try to enjoy myself, there's always that moment when it hits me: a desperate desire to go home. And it always hits me, much sooner than the rest of the family.

Yesterday they left for a trip to Disney World. 'I don't want you to come, mummy!' my second son taunted me. Before I could say anything, my eldest son said in stern tones: 'Billy, that's just plain rude!'

If amusement parks are Hell, having your eldest son come to your defense is my idea of heaven!

How do you feel about amusement parks?
Do you like them?

The unbearable cruelty of kids: 'Mom you look just like Sybill Patricia Trelawney!'

2011-07-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

'All my friends agree with me!'

Wordless Wednesday

Don't rock the boat hubby!

2011-07-19T02:45:00.000-07:00

I like to think of our family as a little ship! Everyone has their own place on the ship, and together we sail through life.

But then Summer Vacation comes along, shaking things up. The kids have to adjust to the endless free time, and I have to adjust to having absolutely no peace! I can't even visit the toilet all by my lonesome.

But it's not until my husband takes hís vacation, and is home all the time, that things get really dire. Because than we start fighing each other for the right to be the Captain of our boat. Each of us thinking we're ít!

So this one is for my husband!

It's alright! I'm a Mom!

2011-07-18T04:59:00.000-07:00

To my delight I discovered a judo class for kids, practically in our street! So I immediately enrolled my son, because I love the way judo teaches them manners. You never know: they might stick, and make my life easier!

Because it was his very first lesson I helped him change into his judo suit in the locker room, and hand delivered him to the judo teacher. After an hour I went back to pick him up. The bringing part went fine, but during the picking up part I made a tiny 'faux pas'.

To pick up my son I had to walk through the locker room where he'd left his clothes, but that same locker room was suddenly filled with naked, pubescent boys. My first instinct was to keep walking while shouting: 'It's okay boys! I am a Móm!'
But when I saw their looks, I beat a hasty retreat in my sensible Birkenstocks mumbling: 'Sorrysorrysorry.'

As soon as I'd closed the door, I heard them talking amongst themselves: 'How come all those moms can't see this is the boys locker room!'

I sighed in relief: obviously many moms had gone before me.

I wonder if they were wearing Birkenstocks too.

It's hér fault!

2011-07-17T04:24:00.000-07:00

My work as an Internet Assessor takes me places I've never been before. Today I came across an article about Mark Chapman, John Lennon's murderer.

The headline told angrily that Mark's wife Gloria, had known about his murderous intentions, but hadn't done 'anything'. In her defense: poor, deluded Gloria thought she could help murderous Mark through this difficult period in his life.

Not only the journalist writing the article was angry about Gloria's lack of action, Mark also thought his wife was to blame for him murdering poor John Lennon. Mark:

'It's insane. I showed her the gun and the five bullets, and I tóld her what I was gonna do. I'm still upset she didn't go to the police to tell them I was going to assassinate John Lennon!'

It took me a few minutes to pick up my jaw from my spacebar, thinking: 'It's Adam and Eve all over again!' No doubt president Obama will later tell people: 'It's insane. I showed her the Big Mac, and I tóld her I was gonna eat it. I'm still upset she didn't stop me!'

Men joke

2011-07-16T04:40:00.000-07:00

We're planning to move to the country this Winter, and every Saturday we visit the building site that is our future home.

We admire the holes in the walls, the electric wires hanging loose, and the overall mess. This is obviously a work in progress, even we can see that!

Because personally, I can't even build a solid bungalow from Duplo blocks. And even though my husband builds a mean Lego castle, a builder he is not. So we bow our heads in acknowledgement of the superior knowledge of our builders.

But sometimes I like to make a suggestion in spite of my ignorance. Today I pointed out some authentic looking beams on the ceiling, of what's going to be one of the kids' bedrooms. Our bedroom will be right above that room. I asked: 'Can't we leave those pretty beams just like they are?'

'Hell no! You've got to isolate them,' the builder told me. 'Otherwise your kids can hear every snore.'
'It's not the kids hearing us snoring, that worries me,' my husband said, and exchanged meaningful looks with the builder.
And then they guffawed. For a very long time.

I pretended I had no idea what they were laughing about.
Because sometimes pretend ignorance is bliss.

Sex education, also known as the Birds and the Bees

2011-07-15T06:01:00.000-07:00

'Now did I, or did I nót, tell the kids all about the birds and the bees?' I often wonder. But because my kids ask a lot of questions, usually when I'm trying to enjoy my meal, I decide: 'I'm sure I did!'

Instead of overwhelming them with a big powerpoint presentation, I offer my kids sexual education, the way I do most things: in between running around, and doing chores. And isn't that the most natural way to do it? That way I won't make a big thing of it, but they're well educated anyway.

Nevertheless, all help is welcome, so I was much obliged by this practical video! In one swell swoop it offers a solution for all those unpleasant side effects of having sexual relations, like STD's and teen pregnancies.

Mean Mom Syndrome

2011-07-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

For years now, I've been denying my kids the joy of having their own pet. Even though I'm not an animal lover, there's no pet on earth I wish to subject to the care, or lack thereoff, of my kids.

Through the years the kids have resigned themselves to the fact that they have a 'stupid mom'. But my youngest son's yearning ran so deep, he created his own pet.

His name is Teddy, and Pete makes sure he's got everything Teddy may ever wish for. He even takes him for walks, on a piece of string. Together they have great adventures.

'Do you know what worries me mommy?' Pete asked with his little boy voice. 'Balloons shrink'.
'You mean you're worried Teddy wil shrink?
'Yes,' Pete sighed, while cradling little Teddy lovingly in his arms.

Then I felt like such a terrible mom, I laughed so hard I had to cry.
'Here mommy, Teddy will make it all go away!' Pete said consolingly.

So tomorrow we'll go out and get him a guinea pig.
Or a new balloon.

In the picture you see a picture of Teddy, in the prime of his life. Look at him smile! He's such a happy little pet.

Why does parenting make me feel like this?!

2011-07-13T00:09:00.000-07:00

Wordless Wednesday